Misfit Family Road Trip
by nycz
Summary: Cracktastic semi-AU where Furiosa, Max, the wives and Nux are going on a family road trip. Dysfunctional doesn't even begin to cover it.


"Everyone settled in?" Furiosa said as she closed the door, getting comfortable in the front seat of the War Rig. Her only reply was noncommittal murmurs. "I'll take that as a yes." The large truck slowly accelerated, filling the air with the steady humming of its engines. "Did someone bring my sniper rifle?"

"Yes, Mom, all the guns are here," Toast replied, exasperation clear in her voice. "You always ask that."

"Well, last year _someone_ forgot to bring it." Furiosa shot a pointed look at Max, but he was too busy frowning at the map to notice.

"Do we really need _all_ these guns?" Cheedo groaned. "Why do we even need a grenade launcher?"

"It's important to stay safe on the road," Furiosa noted sagely, checking under the seat to see that her extra spare backup revolver was there.

"Then why don't we have airbags?" Dag pointed out.

Max just shook his head, his eyes still glued to the map. "Can't shoot anything with airbags, Dag. Guns are better."

* * *

"Are we there yet?" This time it was Angharad who said it, in that same half whining, half bored tone that the others had used the last three times they had asked.

Furiosa's knuckles whitened around the steering wheel. "We'll get there _when we get there!_ "

"Don't bug your mother, Angharad," came the muttered chiding from Max.

"But this is taking forever," Cheedo whined.

"Then play a game or something."

As soon as Furiosa saw the telltale glint in Toast's eyes, she blasted the horn, making everyone yelp and jump. "No Russian roulette in the car."

* * *

Dag, Angharad, Nux and Capable were singing along to My Chemical Romance songs – wildly off key but no less enthusiastically – when the sound of a bullet ricocheting off the car made Furiosa press pause.

"Bandits! Kids, whose turn is it?"

"I did it last time!" Angharad said.

"No you didn't," Dag scoffed. " _I_ did it last time. You just hung out the window making faces at them."

"Well I'm not shooting anyone," Cheedo declared with her arms crossed.

"I'll do it!" Nux happily announced, already fumbling for the door handle.

Max and Furiosa exchanged worried glances while Capable looped an arm around Nux in an attempt to calm him down. "Sweetie, you're really cute and fun to be with and all that," she said, "but you're can't use a gun for shit. Just let Toast do it."

Nux slumped down in his seat but didn't object. Toast, on the other hand, grabbed a few grenades and a rifle with a tortured expression. "Fine."

"Be careful," Max shouted out the window when Toast climbed onto the roof. "Try not to hit the cars."

* * *

"Shit." Max's frown was so heavy it seemed anatomically impossible for it to deepen any further.

Furiosa instinctively checked the horizon for any cause for concern. "What?"

"We should have taken a left two miles ago."

"I thought you knew this part!"

"Well, now I do, and I'm telling you we should have taken a left back there."

Huffing, Furiosa glanced at the map. "Nuh-uh. That would've taken us way off course. Besides, we need to go west around that mountain."

"West?" Max stared at the map. "There's nothing to the west. We need to go east."

"We could have asked those bandits back there for directions if _Toast_ hadn't blown them up," Cheedo noted, glaring at the sister in question.

Nux leaned forward to get a better look at the map. "I think you're holding it upside down."

Max looked at the map, at the horizon, at Nux, and then back at the map. "Fuck it," he grumbled and threw the map out the window.

* * *

"Mom, Capable and Nux are making out again," Cheedo whined loudly.

"So?"

"It's _gross_."

Capable tore herself momentarily from Nux's mouth, glaring at Cheedo. "You're gross!"

"Don't tease your sister, Capable," Furiosa absentmindedly said, her focus on the road.

Toast huffed loudly as she tossed down the gun she had just finished cleaning. "Why did Capable get to bring Nux but I didn't get to bring anyone?"

"It's crowded enough as it is," Dag muttered, obviously displeased with her being squeezed in between Angharad and Capable.

A wicked smile on her lips, Angharad poked Toast in the side and started singing, " _Toast got a girlfriend_ ," obnoxiously loud.

Max looked up with alarm and confusion written all over his face. "Toast is gay?" The rest of the passengers heaved a collective sigh. "I thought she and that girl were just friends?"

"Dad, _seriously_ ," Toast groaned while Angharad giggled loudly. "I pretty much made out with her in front of you the other day. How could you not notice that."

After a few more moments of bewildered staring, Max shook his head and turned back to look out the window.

* * *

A faint honking behind them pulled Furiosa out of her semi-unconscious driving state. Seeing a car behind them in the mirror, her mood dropped quickly. She knew exactly whom that car belonged to. "Who told Uncle Joe we were going on a field trip?"

The silence in the car was practically tangible.

"Because when I find out, whoever did it is going to _wish_ they were home picking flowers with the old Vuvalini ladies."

"Cheedo did it!" Capable piped up, scooting a little closer to Nux.

Seven accusatory pairs of eyes fell on Cheedo.

"I didn't tell him to come!" She fiddled with her fingers, looking down on her lap. "I just said we were going on a trip. How was I supposed to know–"

" _Cheedo_ ,." the others groaned in unison.

"I don't even know why I'm the only one who likes him," Cheedo huffed, crossing her arms. "He's really fun to hang out with."

Angharad made a gagging noise. "He's an old geezer who watches Jeopardy and reruns of Baywatch. I'd rather watch paint dry."

"Hey, Jeopardy is really interesting–"

"You're grounded, Cheedo," Max declared. "Forever."

* * *

" _Wait up!_ "

Uncle Joe's voice was just loud enough to be heard over the noise from the War Rig's engines. Furiosa promptly responded by holding her hand out through the window, giving him the finger.

"Can't we just talk to him?" Cheedo pleaded weakly.

"We're _not_ talking to Uncle Joe."

"But Mom–"

"Listen to your mother, Cheedo," Max cut her off. "Uncle Joe isn't invited."

" _Furiosa! Slow down!_ " Uncle Joe yelled, this time closer than before.

Furiosa slammed her hand down on the steering wheel and let out a long string of increasingly explicit curses. "That's it, he's going down. Get me the RPG."

An uncomfortable silence filled the truck. Even Max seemed to shrink, sinking further into his seat.

"You forgot the RPG?" Furiosa shouted, looking between Max and Toast. Slamming her hand even harder on the steering wheel, she shook her head. "Son of a– _Fine_. The grenade launcher will have to do."

"Mom–"

Furiosa snapped her head to Cheedo, her eyes burning.

"Don't bug your mother, Cheedo," Max hissed, his hand waiting midair as if about to stop Furiosa from leaping into the back seat. "Toast, give her the grenade launcher."

With the grenade launcher in hand, Furiosa slammed her door open and climbed out of the car. A few moments later there was a loud explosion that shook the truck and then Furiosa climbed back in, tossing the grenade launcher into the back seat without another word.

"So..." Dag said after a long silence. "No Christmas at Uncle Joe's this year?"


End file.
